Pump up the Jam
Get over it, I'm skinny. I mean it's not like I'm walking for hope or anything that serious. My stomach isn't hella big like I'm chasing a chicken around on the cover of a National Geographic; that would be ridiculous. But I'm thin. A few months ago, I was 130 lbs. and standing almost 6'1" in my lightest loafers. I had finally come to the decision that I would join a gym. I thought having an adult sized body to match my 40 year old head would be cute and might even land me a date. I didn't have any pressing obligations so I got right to work. My friend Chris had been talking about going to the gym again and wanted someone to go with him. Why shouldn't I be that someone? Chris had been going to the YMCA in the tenderloin for quite some time now and, wait, what the fuck? Back up, the tenderloin. Oh, I don't think so. "Don't listen to what people say, Michael, I know it's in a bad neighborhood but all the equipment is new." Easy for him to say, Chris has a smart little moto to get him to and fro. All I have are those loafers I mentioned earlier. Screw it, I'll go!
I was a little intimidated by going to the gym, so I figured the best option for me was to go where the people were ugly and poor. Each time I walk through the locker room I can almost feel my self esteem rising.
Chris showed me how to use each machine. He gets great pleasure at watching me make an entire machine shake as I struggle to lift 30 lbs with my legs. What are you laughing at? I haven't seen you at the gym. If I had one of those big foam fingers I would be waiving it obnoxiously in your face right now. I'm bitter, but I'm over it.
I made this, "pump up the jam" 90's dance mix to really get me going while I do my cardio. I'm like so now. I've also been drinking protein shakes twice daily. I've got so much whey protein flowing though my system that now when I fart, it smells like a perm. For those of my readers who are more masculine and have never smelled a perm, just imagine a combination of egg and chemical. It is this scent that wakes me almost every morning. I can tell that date is just around the corner.
After two full weeks of working out, and eating, and eating, and eating, and then eating some more, I thought it was time to see if I had made any progress. Unfortunately for me, I lost four pounds. Great. Now what. I guess I have to eat McDonalds for every meal and stay completely stationary for weeks at a time if I am going to gain a pound. Until then... I'm going to stick with this gym thing and see where it goes.
What's more important than my unexpected weight loss is the tragedy that happened this past weekend. Ok, so here is my public service announcement. Lock your doors, and never answer your door to anyone you don't recognize. This last Saturday around 8 in the evening my sister heard a knock at the door. My sister's boyfriend Dan went to get the door and answered it without looking to see who it was. Two black men about the age of 22 pushed him aside. They were followed by three others. Five strange men came into my sisters house. They had masks on and were reportedly carrying an AK-47 with a silencer. One of the men held my sister down on the couch and searched her for money while she cried and tried to escape. One of the other men punched Dan in the face knocking him unconscious. Fortunately this was the worst of the physical abuse. The men ran out of the house. Danielle called 911 immediately and then called me. That's really fucking scary. I'm so glad that nothing more serious happened to my sister or her boyfriend. All of that, and the men got away with thirty dollars, my sister's new laptop, and a bong. No, joke, they stole the bong.
How desperate do people have to get to break into a house, hold up two 21 year old kids only to escape with a computer, enough money for a Starubucks and a bong? These kinds of people aren't even worth thinking about; they're filth.
Just for a point of reference... my sister lives right near the Safeway on bay where the 24 hour fitness is, not exactly a rough neighborhood. These kinds of things happen everywhere, even in good neighborhoods, so keep your doors locked all the time! That's enough.
I was a little intimidated by going to the gym, so I figured the best option for me was to go where the people were ugly and poor. Each time I walk through the locker room I can almost feel my self esteem rising.
Chris showed me how to use each machine. He gets great pleasure at watching me make an entire machine shake as I struggle to lift 30 lbs with my legs. What are you laughing at? I haven't seen you at the gym. If I had one of those big foam fingers I would be waiving it obnoxiously in your face right now. I'm bitter, but I'm over it.
I made this, "pump up the jam" 90's dance mix to really get me going while I do my cardio. I'm like so now. I've also been drinking protein shakes twice daily. I've got so much whey protein flowing though my system that now when I fart, it smells like a perm. For those of my readers who are more masculine and have never smelled a perm, just imagine a combination of egg and chemical. It is this scent that wakes me almost every morning. I can tell that date is just around the corner.
After two full weeks of working out, and eating, and eating, and eating, and then eating some more, I thought it was time to see if I had made any progress. Unfortunately for me, I lost four pounds. Great. Now what. I guess I have to eat McDonalds for every meal and stay completely stationary for weeks at a time if I am going to gain a pound. Until then... I'm going to stick with this gym thing and see where it goes.
What's more important than my unexpected weight loss is the tragedy that happened this past weekend. Ok, so here is my public service announcement. Lock your doors, and never answer your door to anyone you don't recognize. This last Saturday around 8 in the evening my sister heard a knock at the door. My sister's boyfriend Dan went to get the door and answered it without looking to see who it was. Two black men about the age of 22 pushed him aside. They were followed by three others. Five strange men came into my sisters house. They had masks on and were reportedly carrying an AK-47 with a silencer. One of the men held my sister down on the couch and searched her for money while she cried and tried to escape. One of the other men punched Dan in the face knocking him unconscious. Fortunately this was the worst of the physical abuse. The men ran out of the house. Danielle called 911 immediately and then called me. That's really fucking scary. I'm so glad that nothing more serious happened to my sister or her boyfriend. All of that, and the men got away with thirty dollars, my sister's new laptop, and a bong. No, joke, they stole the bong.
How desperate do people have to get to break into a house, hold up two 21 year old kids only to escape with a computer, enough money for a Starubucks and a bong? These kinds of people aren't even worth thinking about; they're filth.
Just for a point of reference... my sister lives right near the Safeway on bay where the 24 hour fitness is, not exactly a rough neighborhood. These kinds of things happen everywhere, even in good neighborhoods, so keep your doors locked all the time! That's enough.
1 Comments:
Man, that sucks about your sister. I hope she is okay and that her spirit remains strong.
It seems like that kind of thing is happening a lot lately, as another friend of mine just recently got mugged 2 blocks from her house. Luckily, she's alright too.
Still, that shit makes my blood boil. Makes me wish I were a superhero so that I could kick some ass.
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